We’re constantly told that women lack confidence.
That leadership and taking charge come easily to men, while women are usually the ones who follow.
Whenever we think of powerful, confident people, don’t men always come to mind? It’s usually men who confidently hold the position of power, whether it’s in politics, media, or even our own offices.
But why are we blaming women for lacking confidence when the issue goes deeper?
Growing up, girls are socialized differently from boys.
When boys are noisy and rowdy, they’re seen as boys being boys. It’s okay for them to make a mess, to be loud, to run around, and to take up space. That’s what’s expected of them.
But girls are expected to be quiet, well-behaved, and forgiving.
Running around and making messes are seen as unladylike (and if girls do this, they’re branded as tomboys), and so girls are relegated to their dolls and kitchen sets. Not much noise and rowdiness, just a lot of cooing and taking care of their toys.
And this pattern usually continues as both girls and boys grow through life.
According to a Hewlett-Packard report, men apply for a job when they meet only 60% of the qualifications, but women apply only if they meet 100% of them.
Women’s leadership expert Tara Mohr delved deeper into this psyche, asking both men and women, “If you decided not to apply for a job because you didn’t meet all the qualifications, why didn’t you apply?”
The top reason from both men and women was that they didn’t think they would be hired if they didn’t meet the qualifications, and they didn’t want to waste their time and energy. 22% of women also reasoned that they didn’t apply because they didn’t want to put themselves out there if they were likely to fail, while only 13% of men saw it this way.
Women fear being embarrassed and seen as frauds, even though they could apply because they often do meet job qualifications. Women tend to put more pressure on themselves to be perfect, even though they’re often just as talented, qualified, and hardworking as other genders.
There’s also workplace feedback bias against women.
Picture two people speaking up in a meeting.
When one speaks, they’re seen as decisive, assertive, and leadership material.
When the other speaks, they’re seen as abrasive, bossy, or “too much.”
Now, which of these descriptions are usually assigned to women?
They essentially did the same thing (speak up), but confidence is usually welcomed in men. In women? Not so much.
For women to be leaders, or “girlbosses,” they usually have to be seen as strong-willed and no-nonsense, yet still have nurturing qualities as expected of a woman.
As America Ferrera said in her Barbie monologue, “You have to be a boss, but you can’t be mean. You have to lead, but you can’t squash other people’s ideas. You have to be a career woman, but also always be looking out for other people.”
It’s a difficult tightrope, and stepping outside of it can come with social penalties.
If we truly want to support and help build women’s confidence, we need to stop framing it as something women individually lack.
Confidence is shaped by culture and by our upbringing. Confidence grows in environments where speaking up is rewarded, not criticized and mocked, and where mistakes are treated as part of growth rather than proof of incompetence.
We also need to expand our definition of what confidence looks like, because confidence doesn’t have to be loud or domineering.
Confidence and leadership can look collaborative, empathetic, and measured. When we recognize different styles of authority as equally valid, we allow women to lead without having to trade the softer, feminine parts of themselves to be taken seriously.
After all, the issue was never that women were incapable of confidence.
It’s that confidence has long been defined in ways that exclude them. Changing that definition may matter more than telling women to be braver.
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Bio:
Sanne is a marketer by profession and a writer by passion. When she’s not working, she’s either working through her TBR pile, planning her next trip, or forcing her cats to cuddle.
